I feel so utterly alone. I don’t know if it’s the summer heat that at this very moment is prickling my nape, or having no goals in life whatsoever. I’ve been applying for random writing jobs for months because my investments have plummeted and I don’t have a source of income. I’ve been thinking and considering different businesses but still don’t have a direction of where to go. My left foot is constantly painful. I fear that I’d have to take surgery and I’d never walk properly ever again.
My relationships are rocky. I feel like people have less time or maybe it’s because they are busy and I am not. I learn secrets about people from other people – things that I should have known in the first place. I feel like a failure in my discipleship and ministries. Like I have not been intentional enough. Inadequate. I also don’t know what’s the point of it all. Why serve? I obviously don’t love God. Sometimes I question if I’m even a Christian because why am I trapped in cycles of sins and purposelessness. Yes, I know the chief end of man – to glorify God. But why?
The seconds tick away with me wasting them instead of doing something productive. I press the Quick Start on the microwave and watch time slip away, gone forever. And yet that is what I am doing, wasting my time on what not.
I hate living this way. And I hate serving for the purpose of getting the job done instead of loving God. I know I don’t love Him. And it’s a shame, and I feel stuck. Like how do I love God when I don’t want to? When there’s no faith no propel me forward? When there are questions that can never be answered in this lifetime?
I know that I ‘ve been losing my fire for Him for a long time. The wildfire is dimming into a little match but I cannot afford this. People will stumble but I’m also only human.