Tonight, I got home from a three day B1g 11 retreat. To be honest, I wasn’t feeling emotionally high. My emotions were really fluctuating. I battled believing in Your goodness and wanting to serve You. All these questions in my head keep coming back – free will, predestination, Your glory over mine at the expense of my pain or over people’s death. There are so many things I do not understand and these doubts sometimes push my faith back.
1. I learned this year so much about controlling my emotions and thoughts. I learned to submit every pain, tear, thought, feeling, desire before You, before they escalate. It’s EXTREMELY difficult, and I never thought I would be “praying without ceasing”. I never thought that it was this difficult to live a surrendered life. Every decision I make, I have to surrender to Your will. I am not saying that it is not worth it. In a way, it is much easier to lean not on my own understanding, but difficult – Yes.
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
2 Corinthians 10:5
2. I learned that I need to consciously leave my past baggages behind, no matter how difficult it is, otherwise, I won’t reach You. I need to forget what is behind, what is irrelevant. Forget, remember no more, dwell on these things no more and strain toward righteousness. It’s not a stagnant, passive state. It is active. There will be resistance that is why straining is needed, it will be difficult, but the goal is to have more of You and less of me.
Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
3. It is okay to be a Thinking and not Feeling person. I used to be an ISFP, but now I am an INTJ. I really think that this was a defense mechanism to feel less pain from the breakup. I was blessed to learn from Ickhoy and Clev that they do not love people naturally. I related very well with them.
He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love Me?” Peter was grieved because He said to him the third time, “Do you love Me?” And he said to Him, “Lord, You know all things; You know that I love You.” Jesus said to him, “Tend My sheep.