Independence

I wonder when’s it gonna be my time.

I am a private person, so I don’t post my life online. I don’t need to flaunt my life – what I’ve been cooking, what I’ve been doing for the Lord, how I am taking care of my dogs, or cleaning my room or whatever else that would make me appear a Proverbs 31 woman. And yet I feel like if I don’t put myself out there, I won’t get noticed by a godly man. Of course that is a lie. 

I look around me and people are either getting in a relationship, getting engaged, getting married or having babies. And I don’t qualify in any of those criterias. Not that I am discontent in life. I am happy and content where I am now, but somehow there’s also a bit of worry of when’s it gonna be my time – if it should even come. I know God doesn’t promise everyone a spouse. But there’s a desire also for me to be a mom. To teach my kids nursery rhymes. And kiss their butts. And have them hold my fingers with their tiny hands. I think I am ready for that. I am a responsible adult. I have my finances in check. I have different insurances and diversified investments. I consider myself a kinda selfless and patient person. I can drive well. I know first aid. I am extremely organized. I am independent and secure. But i guess there are still things to learn.

There’s a bit of a worry. I just turned 26. No one is making me feel extremely giddy, which on the bright side is also good because that means I am not being led by emotions. But it also feels like by being myself, people fail to see me beyond this wall.  And yet I don’t want to sell myself out to be noticed or to be desired by a guy or by friends. That would be so pathetic. So there’s that conflict.

The flipside to all this is that I am quite confident that God is protecting me from heartache. Rather than having a number of guys falling in line, maybe God is saving me for just one. And that should be okay. And I don’t need to make him notice me because I know it would be the Lord who will point him to me. Somehow, it also feels good knowing that God is saving me from heartaches and trial and errors.

There’s no need to fish for likes at how “interesting” my life is. And sure, some girls might seem more interesting because of what people see on their facebook. But I know I am unique in my own way. I can talk about religion, science, dogs, travel, photography, culture, etc. and a man who would actually talk with me about these things is a keeper.

Maybe I am not ready.

I am independent. Maybe too independent that I don’t consistently spend time with God. Maybe too independent that I don’t always depend on God through prayer. But independent is good too. It’s being mature.

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