It’s me again. Running back to You after I’ve been hurt repeatedly, for following my heart. I imagine myself crying on Your lap. And You allowing me to cry my eyes out on the same hurt. Words no longer spill out. My heart is tired and torn. I feel like my emotions are suspended in mid-air as I grasp for the right words to define what I feel. But they don’t come out.
The tug-of- war wages on. Waves of emotions drown me. I am thrown back and forth between what my heart desires and the dilemma of following You. It’s so easy to say I trust You and want to obey You. But when I do follow you, I don’t find myself happy. Happy. Does my happiness even matter to You? There are times when I am so joyful and content with You. Times when tears run down my face when my joy is complete and I tell You that I am so in love with You. And then there are times when I am discontent and don’t want to follow You. Because it costs too much. Because it is uncomfortable. Because I have to deny my own desires.
John Piper said that You are most glorified when I am most satisfied in You. He said that my happiness lies in obeying You. That the two lines, the Line of Happiness and the Line of Obedience are one and the same, not two parallel lines never intersecting together. But why do I not feel that way all the time?
Why does it feel like all the hurt are just underneath? Buried temporarily and waiting to be unearthed over and over again?
On days like these, I understand what Pastor Jonathan said about wanting to go to heaven now. I just want to escape all these difficulties. I want my joy in you to be complete, all the time. I don’t want the struggle of having to deny my emotions and desires so I can please You. I don’t want these tests. I don’t want temporary healings. I don’t want tears to run down my cheeks because I am hurting. I only want happy tears to run down my cheeks. I want to forget all the hurt. All the unfulfilled promises that continually breaks my heart. I want to be where there will be no tears.
I’m struggling to believe that You truly love me, if You only answer prayers that glorify You. How about me? Yes I am Your servant, yet I am also Your child. Is my happiness tied to my obedience?